Wednesday, October 3, 2012

DEAR RED STATES

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.


In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation,
...
and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.


We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot

Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the

Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.


With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care

costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.


Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.


By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt

weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

3 comments:

tesstruhartz said...

You have to leave Minnesota out, the only reason it is a blue state is because there is a lot of cheating going on at election time. Hopefully next election we will have our photo Id law in place. who ever said there is no voter fraud has not been to Minnesota and seen election judges drive around with so called ballots in the trunks of their cars and then are still counted.

Shaynacwings said...

I know I am not an American but I do have a brain and use it on ocassion. having said that Heidi, I can not agree with you more.
What I can't comprehend is the number of brainless idiots live in America!
Great post.

Mary Rohrer said...

Love it!